Well I think the time has come for an honest chat about my mental health. A lot has been happening recently, so let’s catch up.
Talking about my mental health struggles isn’t easy, and it’s definitely something I’ve shied away from in the past. I know I’ve hinted in a blog post or two that I’ve been struggling, but I don’t think I’ve ever been truly honest about the reality of it.
Grab a cup of tea and settle down, because I have feeling I might ramble! Here we go…
I’m not happy. I’ve not been happy for at least 3 years now, and it’s gotten increasingly worse as time goes on. It’s something I tried to shrug off and pretend wasn’t that bad. I told myself that everyone feels a bit sad sometimes. While that’s true, I’ve come to realise the way I was feeling was much more than a bit sad.
It feels like I’ve been plodding through life for a while now.
Some days I feel really flat – it’s kind of like I’m in a dream. I struggle to remember things on those days. Other days, it feels like I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders. Everything feels harder than it should. The simplest tasks are too overwhelming, and in all honesty, I just want to stay in bed.
It’s so frustrating to feel that way 24/7. It’s frustrating to know that you should be happy, but your brain won’t let you be. I worry it will have an impact on the relationships in my life and that does scare me.
I can’t even really put into words how bad things have been, and it feels silly even trying to. Maybe one day I’ll find a better way to put all of these feelings into words.
For now, let’s focus on the positives and talk about what I’m (finally) doing about it.
Over the last few months, I finally hit my breaking point. I was feeling worse and worse every single day. As awful as that was, it did have a positive outcome. After lots of encouragement (and maybe a bit of nagging – I’m looking at you mum), I took a big step in the right direction.
I made an appointment to talk things through with a doctor. I had a panic attack in the waiting room and I started sobbing as soon as doctor laid eyes on me, but I did it. Telling the doctor how I’d been feeling and admitting that I needed help was really cathartic.
I put it off for so long, because asking for help is scary. It’s not simple or easy to do, so I can promise you that I won’t be writing a blog post on “why you should reach out or ask for help” anytime soon. If you feel you’re ready to ask for help then that’s great, but don’t beat yourself up if you’re not there yet. It took me a good few years to reach that point and that’s perfectly okay.
I’m no where near where I want to be, but I am a little bit closer and I think it’s important to acknowledge that.
I’ve decided to give medication a try. It’s been just over a week since I started taking anti-depressants and anxiety medication. While there’s no noticeable differences yet in how I feel, I am reminded of how brave I was when I take my tablets everyday. Might sound cringey but it’s true.
I’m also trying to start therapy, and wow it’s complicated. I had a phone consultation with a therapist, but unfortunately I’m not booked in to any sessions yet. The NHS service in Glasgow South currently only offer CBT. The therapist I spoke to thinks I’d be better off with some form of talking therapy. This means I’m not too sure how and when I’ll be starting therapy, but I do think it’s worth giving it a go!
I think that’s you all caught up now!
If I’m honest, I’m reluctant to share this post. I don’t think I’ve articulated myself very well, and it’s scary to put such a vulnerable part of me out into the world. However, I do want to talk about my mental health more. There’s such a stigma surrounding it, and if I can even make the littlest change to that I’d be a very happy lady.
I’m running a giveaway on my Instagram to thank you for all your support, so go check it out!
In the mood to read more? My last post was a guide to good coffee in Glasgow.